The me that is not me

Shalom Aleichem.

One of the things OCD has been charged with it has been scrupulosity, the feeling of being sinful by doing a certain activity, which is not sinful at all, i.e touching a wall. When I talk about scrupulosity I am not talking about the definition of rejecting a lot of activities, no, one thing is scrupulosity, another thing is holiness (which is recognizing and be setting apart from all form of evil, even when it tries to copy a good thing and look like one).

Who am I? What is this in my head? I don’t want to be evil, I don’t want to serve evil, I don’t want to worship evil, What have I done? I don’t have evil purposes, WHAT IS THIS?

Back into the story, sometimes I have thoughts about what is people thinking about me, you (the reader) can testify everyone including you cares at some point what other people think about them, in my case is not the common worrying, normally people tend to care about what other people is going to say, in my case I don’t feel changed by anyone’s opinion but a very important one, like my family or wise teachers and brothers, because based on what they say, they can advise me, and I can follow the path of what is good at the eyes of ELOHIM (GOD, If He wants and establishes I would talk why I write GOD and not G-D as a lot of messianics in a post… in a different blog in case you are interested), because if I would care about everyone’s opinion (Including not Brothers in faith) they are going to say: “This is good, this is bad” but if I follow their advice I am going to do what they define as good, which is bad actually if the adviser is not a wise person, maybe has good intentions, but it’s vision of life has a big role in my decision to obey the advice or not.

But words are something that affects us all, for good, for bad, for construction, for destruction, for give hope or to attack it, everyone is affected by the words of people (Including those with philosophies about life like LGBT saying they don’t care about opinions, but they know how truly they feel affected by any opinion)

So, one of my biggest concerns in life is: “Who am I before ELOHIM, Who am I at his eyes, What does He think about me”, but I’ve had intrusive thoughts about people judging me, having a wrong concept about me, intrusive thoughts are common in people with OCD (No, having intrusive thoughts doesn’t mean you have OCD, but people with OCD have those all the time) those thoughts usually have lack of reason, for example I had intrusive thoughts that someone I know hates me as the worse thing in the world, but then I find out: “But this person and I are talking quietly” or “This person is happy because of what I did” then, how was that person going to hate me?. I have the fear of being someone I am not, I have intrusive thoughts about people judging me wrongly and I am what they say, but the reality is I am not who people who think they know me say I am, I am who ELOHIM says I am, I am one of His children, and I have to be convinced by that everyday no matter how much anxiety I have, in fact, there are people who say “Having more faith won’t cure your OCD, is not about having more faith” to that I say: Having more faith is not going to destroy you, so is not anything bad to have more and more and more and more faith, I am not saying you have faith and the next day you are cured, even though it could happen, there are people who actually have been cured from OCD in a prayer service with a group and even from worse things like schizophrenia, I am talking about the process to be cured is different, if you have faith you should see this stage of life as another difficulty: an opportunity to increase your faith and strength in Adonai, if you can increase your faith in the hard situation, your faith will be stronger when there is no testing or difficulty, and OCD is a strong difficulty, because it is not about you turn your head and ignore it, because is there: in your head. To avoid the lies of the evil one we carry a shield of faith, and having continuous thoughts about things we are not in our heads is basically being attacked with burning arrows in a distance of one meter, people usually think there is a spiritual connection with OCD, and there is people who say there is no connection and is just a mind problem, but the reality is, and those who are believers and have OCD should admit (even if you leave a comment saying you don’t) is this one: the soul, the spirit doesn’t feel peace, there is no balance, there is suffering. You have problems with your conscience, involving scrupulosity, having no peace by the constant and threatening feeling you have done something wrong when you haven’t (Study the situation, don’t say “I have OCD I have no reason for apologize for it” in cases when you actually have done something wrong and you have to apologize), you feel dependent on actions (compulsions) to avoid those thoughts.

Some cases you probably have scrupulosity are:

– You feel you have sinned, but if you study the situation you will find out you haven’t, even though you have a strong feeling similar to the one if you would sinned.

  • You feel you have blasphemed.
  • You have a lot of fear thinking you insulted ELOHIM, his SON or his RUACH, then you study the situation and find out you haven’t insulted them/Him, this is tricky, maybe you can think the fear for ELOHIM is bad but is not, it is good, and more than good is the correct thing to do, but this case is when it is off control.
  • You have intrusive thoughts about demonical things, pictures like demons, hell (In my case I used to see pentagrams).
  • You have the feeling you have sold your soul to the devil.
  • You feel you have to do a certain action (compulsion) or you or a loved one of yours will go to hell.

Some articles about scrupulosity include things like excessive devotion to GOD or excessive fear to GOD, if you have excessive devotion/fear to GOD as a threat or a feeling of slavery, you may be in a religious non-spiritual stage, that happens even to people without OCD, or you have the concepts out of control, but if you have a lot of devotion or fear (which can be qualified as “excessive” by light/liberal believers) and you enjoy it, then is not a problem, but a real good thing even if you have OCD, having zeal, in this case is more about holiness than scrupulosity, by scrupulosity you reject some things irrationally even things that shouldn’t be rejected or there is no reason for rejecting them, but holiness makes you study very well everything, with reason, sometimes the reason comes after (We have to believe without seeing) holiness is Biblical, which tests everything and keeps what is good. In my case someone could think I avoid secular methods for heal OCD as a symptom of scrupulosity, but in my case I choose the “test everything and keep what is good”, if what I am looking for is not something Biblical, I have to study it to find out if it is truly good or not, even things that look similar to Biblical things (The devil is an expert making pirate copy of the creation of GOD) but are not the same, for example: meditation, rejected by conservative believers, accepted by OCD advocates, why? The conservative believers usually have a concept about meditation: pagan, then OCD advocates come to say: “Is not so bad, it can be used for good if you take it out of the religious concept for secular purposes”, looks like when someone tells you: “Don’t be too fanatic” “Don’t be exaggerated”, “It is not too bad”, but the love for a worldly thing starts when you “open” your mind to a philosophy that explains why that thing is not so bad, just like the serpent deceived Eve the first woman (I am not saying to don’t listen, open your mind to something and listen to something are not the same, you can listen but reject the concept). Now if I say the opposite but having reasons is not going to be an opinion by anxiety or scrupulosity (I recommend you to be with someone who can translate Spanish to English and watch “Secularity is a religion” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-CLHKCQk8M&t=206s) meditation is about living in the present without worrying about the future, is that in the Bible? Yes, and no: it is about not leaving your worries but to give them to GOD, trust him, live in the present, don’t be anxious, but have a vision (Luke 14:28). I call this “Open the package” which is about looking two similar things, and study them inside to find if they are the same:

Once upon a time there were two citizens living in a city built by a King, there was a big building making business and communicating the kingdom of the Great King and the rules of the King for the people, both men hated this big building with pure anger, who of these two hates the King?

The first man hates the big building because it communicates about the kingdom of the Great King, the first man hates the King and everything that talks about him or makes any reference about the kingdom.

The second man hates the big building because the second man knows and loves the King, and he knows this building is teaching lies about the King.

Did 1 Samuel 16:7 came to your mind? Perfect, don’t judge by appearance, John 7:24

OCD is not just a mind problem that is there without any reason, I testify this because many of the things involved in my OCD were bad habits, sinful habits.

Another case of Open the package is:

Secularity: Don’t be afraid of anything
Bible: Don’t be afraid of anything, BUT, have fear of ADONAI

Sometimes I feel I am a blasphemer, I feel I’ve done the unforgivable sin (I am in a dilemma, I don’t know if I want to know or to not know what really is the unforgivable sin) even sometimes I have intrusive thoughts of me being an atheist! Or a person with bad purposes (I stand with good purposes but I can’t say I am good, no one is good but GOD alone) sometimes I have thoughts of people looking at me like a monster, worthless, which lead me to depression: “Why are these guys talking to themselves but ignore me, why do they hate me?”, and depression gets OCD worse. I know I am not those things (I am a sinner like you, though) but there is the anxiety trying to make a false vision of myself, then I am feeling guilty because of things I haven’t done, or trying to stop being someone who I am not..

Have confidence in Adonai, don’t be like the tree that has no roots and can fall easily, be sure who you are in ELOHIM and ignore the voice of the father of lie, whether it is through temptation or anxiety. People say: OCD is only a spiritual issue, OCDvocates usually say: OCD is only a mental issue, the reality is: both are wrong, OCD is a spiritual and also a mental issue, it affects your brain, it affects your soul-spirit, if you have OCD you can testify it.

If you read this article but you are pagan or atheist, I thank you for taking the time to read it, I invite you to consider your beliefs, consider about knowing Yahushua/Yeshua and ELOHIM, his RUACH, his MERCY, his GRACE, you have the gift of life, I invite you to get a Bible, to read it, to consider it, to study it, to seek revelation from the most High, to accept Him, his Son and his Ruach (Spirit) we are in difficulties every time in our lives, some are to make us change and leave bad habits or sins, some are to test us, but you can’t focus your precious life in things that make you being worrying all the time, where is your happiness? Only in ELOHIM we can find happiness, through his only begotten SON, the Way, the Truth and the Life, you find something to live for, you find life, when I focus about this, I forget about my problems with OCD, is there, but weak, it’s orders don’t have effect on me, therefore I avoid compulsions and the anxiety increases to decrease later, because there is faith the lies of the enemy don’t stand, my Joy is in serve ELOHIM how ELOHIM says, not how OCD says.

The Mashiach came for sinners not righteous, but there is the point: we are all sinners.

May the blessing of ELOHIM be upon you B’shem Yahushua HaMashiach.

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